How YOUR Attachment Type Affects YOUR Life and Personality!
How growing up shapes us. You can be lucky in the parental lottery or, unfortunately, unlucky. Many people understand only retrospectively what really happened in childhood and adolescence. Here are not only the bad sides, but of course also the good.
Many adults can only really appreciate how much effort and love their parents invested once they have their own children. The upbringing produces as a product a person who himself has no idea what effort and how much sacrifice is behind it.
Perfect parents don't exist, but some certainly put more effort into their offspring than others. In this article, we'll introduce you to some of the ways the parenting you experienced can influence your personality and your life.
Role Modeling.
It certainly shapes us the most, but interestingly enough, in two completely opposite directions. We can either emulate the role models we lived from childhood, or reject them and feel the exact opposite is right for us. When we are children, our world is very small and manageable. Parents, grandparents and siblings are our main contact persons. We only get to know other families and other ways of life later.
However, the first years of life are formative. The first questioning takes place during puberty. During this time, the parental relationship is known to become difficult and we begin to look at them and their dogmas critically. Later in life, we may realize that not everything was bad after all that was modeled for us at home.
Even traditional and old-fashioned role models have their advantages and their good sides. Just because everything is possible these days and every family model meets with social acceptance doesn't automatically mean that our childhood was perfect or totally screwed up. When it comes to role modeling, drastic black-and-white thinking reigns supreme in our minds. Few other topics polarize as much when it comes to family. This is where beliefs are formed that need to be re-evaluated later in life.
Which attachment type are you?
The attachment to our parents determines to a large extent which attachment type we declare to be later in life. This is definitely one area where the foundation stones are laid in childhood. Attachment types describe how strongly people orient themselves to their attachment figures. From this, conclusions can be drawn about the emotional relationship between children and their environment. Research distinguishes four different attachment models here.
Secure attachment: This helps the child to develop intellectually, socially and spiritually in the best possible way. The keyword here is anxiety-free. Children who have grown up in a safe haven or protective cocoon have the very best chances later in life. According to studies, they are even less likely to become criminals or addicts.
The insecure avoidant attachment: This develops when children are made to feel like a burden to their parents in the very first months of life. As a result, they stop expressing their feelings. The children appear outwardly self-confident and calm. In fact, however, they miss their caregivers, but they do not show it. Children who have had the experience that their environment is unreliable and shows no interest in their needs, begin to take care of themselves over time. Later in life, attachments become difficult, and other people are seen as insecure factors.
The insecure ambivalent attachment: This attachment type is based on a particularly difficult initial situation. There is a caregiver in the child's life who shows strongly ambivalent behavior when it comes to the child's well-being. The child practically does not know whether he can rely on his adult or whether his needs will be neglected once again. Not only stressful situations challenge this child, but also the caregivers themselves make him insecure. Again, the belief that other people are fickle beings who always put themselves first reigns in later life.
The disorganized attachment: Children of this attachment type often show aggressive behavior and suffer from clear mood swings. This behavior is usually based on traumatic experiences in the first months of life, which are often directly related to their attachment figure. This is then perceived not only as a source of insecurity, but as a trigger of fear. If the traumatic experiences are continued and not processed, they can manifest as serious, psychological problems. As adults, these children are marked by consistent distrust of their environment, coupled with a lack of impulse control and a constant struggle against conflicting emotions.
Emotional Wounds.
No childhood is perfect; most parents make mistakes or have blind spots at some point. These flaws may be more pronounced or less pronounced. They do not necessarily show up as real hurts, but sometimes simply in the form of extra sensitivity to a particular area.
Essentially, there are five different emotional wounds, one or two of which each child carries on average. A) Criticism: too much of it marks us just as much as too little. B) Micromanagement: again, the dose makes the poison. C) The feeling of neglect: How absent were the parents. D) Not feeling heard: The child is just the child. E) Not being valued: Children feel like inventory rather than individuals.
Micromanagement or: educating to the point of not being able to live.
We actually know the term micromanagement from the professional world. There, it refers to horror superiors who do not trust their subordinates with even the smallest bit of personal responsibility. In the case of the parent-child relationship, we know this phenomenon by the terms helicopter or lawnmower parents.
They either buzz around their offspring 24 hours a day and solve their problems long before they can arise, or they confidently mow every obstacle out of the way that could get in the way of the dear little ones. Either way, they raise their children in the good faith that they want only the best for them by shutting out real life and allowing them to grow up under utopian laboratory conditions.
As adults, these children are then not used to making their own decisions or taking matters into their own hands. They simply have no idea about many areas of interpersonal life, because conflicts have always been taken away from them and every little cloud on the horizon was immediately blown away by mom or dad.
Support: Yes or No?
It is not surprising that children who have received encouragement and support from their parents are more successful, happier and better integrated into society later in life than others. The happy medium between motivation and micromanagement is crucial here.
Children need praise and recognition as much as they need the air they breathe. However, they also feel it when an achievement is appreciated that they themselves do not recognize as such. Pity praise is just as unwelcome as the lack of it.
Today’s Conclusion
Blame the parents! Supposedly, raising children is easy, it’s just loving the result that’s hard. Children face the opposite challenge. They have to deal with the product of their parents' attempts at upbringing their entire lives and somehow come to terms with it.
Parents are only human, too. If we can assume that they have tried their best within their means, much has already been gained. Parenting in itself is a lifelong process that never stops. When parents are done with it, life then begins. That's it for today, thank you and see you soon!