Let Go! How THIS Can Lead to Emotional Dependency!
The need for connectedness and a close bond with others arises, like so many things, in childhood. It begins with a sense of security, of being part of a community, protected, sheltered and loved. We bond with our parents, siblings, grandparents and other caregivers because we instinctively realize how many benefits come with it.
If childhood and adolescence are normal and without special incidents, as young adults we begin to loosen these ties of our own accord and no longer see the all-too-tight bond to the family quite so closely. It is different with children who have experienced a severe trauma and have had to endure bitter losses. Out of this spontaneous rupture arises the irrepressible need not to let anyone go, no matter what the cost. And this is where the problem begins that we know as "emotional dependency.”
Those who cannot let go - at any price in the world - will always remain a prisoner. Attachment that is not based on voluntariness but on compulsion is an emotional dungeon from which there is no easy escape. We'd like to share some thoughts with you in this article.
1. The need for attachment makes us easy prey
Sad, but true. Anyone who had to let a loved one go prematurely in childhood will be wary of repeating that experience later in life. If there are other family members who can step in and fill that void, all the better. If this alternative does not exist, caregivers are soon chosen whom one would like to keep close at all costs. In adolescence and puberty, first love is of great importance.
We do not see it as a beautiful entry into the world of great interpersonal feelings, but often as the goal of our desires. We would do anything to maintain this relationship and so this thread runs through all partnerships that will follow. People who have to constantly comfort and protect their inner child therefore unfortunately very often tend to persevere even in bad o abusive and aggressive relationships for fear of being left alone again. They literally sacrifice themselves on the illusion of love, security and belonging. If they create a family of their own, their children will struggle with freedom and independence.
Such parents tend to literally smother them with their protection. If there were a glass bell that could be put over their offspring 24 hours a day, they would do it. They would then have the bond they long for so much. Nevertheless, a part of their longing always remains unfulfilled.
2. Ingratitude is the world's reward
Even when the relationships we form after a traumatic childhood loss are reasonably fulfilling and good, one desire always remains unfulfilled. A disproportionate number of people whose inner child is still seeking healing fall prey to the illusion of the perfect family and flawless romantic love. Perhaps protective mechanisms are at work here, successfully fooling us in times of loss and grief that the ideal life is waiting for us someday. We then hope for the reward for all the hardships and the fulfillment we have been longing for for so long. But what does the reality of a partnership and family really look like?
Relationships between 2 adults can develop well and grow and flourish on equal footing, characterized by mutual respect. But our own children, at the latest, teach us that the world owes us nothing and our descendants even less. The deeply idealized image of the perfect family, where only peace and joy reign, quickly becomes our undoing in most cases. Children are demanding and are allowed to be 100% selfish. They can't help it, as helpless and dependent they are on us in the first years of their lives.
The picture from advertising, where father, mother and child walk hand in hand along a green meadow and are overwhelmed by pure happiness, does not stand up to reality. Again, we face our inner child at a point in life where we do not get what we want. Disappointment spreads and if we do not pay attention, our own bad childhood catches up with us in no time.
3. The solution is within you. It does not come with other people
The fear of loss and being alone is a relentless one that keeps hurt children firmly in its clutches even as adults. However, it is a sad and comforting fact at the same time that the bottom line is that we always end up alone in life. Even the happiest people who seem to have it all and are firmly anchored in their family and an enviable circle of friends are, at the end of the day, alone with their thoughts.
Everyone lives an island life somewhere, whether they are alone or not. We can only find the key to our relationship with the outside world by dealing with ourselves, and here especially with our inner child. Some people manage this work on their dark side, also known as shadow work, alone. They talk about it a lot at some point, perhaps even with fellow sufferers with whom they can share their story. Still others seek professional help and advice on anonymous forums and from appropriate hotlines.
There are currently many ways to escape from the dilemma of lonely childhood. Remaining in an unsatisfactory adult life is certainly not the only alternative. Unfortunately, what almost never works is to impose our healing on other people. No one can save us. No one brings redemption into a relationship. Neither partners nor our own children can plug the hole in our soul where our inner child is still patiently waiting for us to finally accept him. Here lies the key to healing, within ourselves.
4. Be good to yourself, or no one else will be
What our inner child needs most is love. Only we can give it this. Those who realize in retrospect that things simply could not have developed differently and that they are not to blame for the death or separation of their parents, can at some point finally recover from this trauma. There is much we do not understand as children. We have to close this knowledge gap as adults.
Unfortunately, there is no way to make up for a bad or insufficient childhood. But we can try to come to terms with it and take the inner child that is still waiting there by the hand and invite it into this, our present life. After all, there is much to talk about and catch up on.
Today’s Conclusion: Invisible cords or crushing shackles?
Talking to people who still struggle with strong invisible ties from their childhood is the first way to understand the power such experiences have on us. Some children were lucky. At least the incomprehensible was explained to them, and there may even have been substitute caregivers who stepped in.
Still others need a lifetime to even comprehend why they can never feel fully loved and accepted, no matter what they do. We are not spared a journey into the past if we want to be a happy person in the present, successfully shedding our shackles and finally taking off toward the future. That's it for today.