Love is a concept that is often celebrated and discussed, but its true meaning can be elusive. Nineteenth-century philosopher Søren Kierkegaard offered a perspective that challenges widely held ideas about love, arguing that most people fundamentally misunderstand what it means to love. Rather than focusing on admiration or preference, Kierkegaard believed that real love is rooted in compassion and an ability to extend kindness to all, including those who are difficult to like.

He drew attention to the distinction between romantic passion and a deeper form of love that demands generosity even toward those considered unworthy by society. For Kierkegaard, true love is measured by the willingness to forgive, to see the humanity in everyone, and to move beyond favoritism. His ideas remain relevant, prompting a reevaluation of our own approach to love and the boundaries we set around it.

Key Takeaways

True love requires understanding and compassion for all, not just admiration.
Love should be given without preference, extending even to those who seem unworthy.
Kierkegaard's theory calls for a shift from romantic ideals to a more inclusive, challenging practice of love.

Søren Kierkegaard’s Groundbreaking Perspective on Love

Rethinking Love’s Definition

Søren Kierkegaard put forward the argument that most people misunderstand love, despite how frequently they use the term. Romantic ideals that focus on admiration for one remarkable individual, according to Kierkegaard, are only a limited version of what love should encompass. Instead, he called for a more rigorous and demanding form of love—a version based on the Christian principle that everyone is deserving of love, especially those who might seem unworthy.

Aspect Popular View Kierkegaard’s View Love’s Focus The exceptional one Everyone, including adversaries Basis for Love Attraction, merit Shared humanity, Christian command Worthiness Selective Universal, without exception

True Compassion Versus Idealized Romance

Kierkegaard made a clear distinction between authentic, selfless care for others and the preference-driven attachment found in romance. For him, the essence of love was not admiration or delight in a partner’s qualities, but the willingness to recognize and act with kindness toward all people—even those who are difficult or disagreeable. He emphasized that genuine love demands the effort to go beyond attraction and embrace individuals, flaws and all, regardless of whether they inspire affection or resentment.

Key Points:

True love involves extending compassion beyond those we naturally like.
Romantic love, based on preference, can often lead to exclusion or unfair judgment.
Kierkegaard regarded loving everyone, even those who oppress or disappoint us, as a higher calling.

Kierkegaard challenged readers to think beyond a love that seeks justice or fairness in a transactional sense. Instead, he proposed a compassionate approach that tries to offer kindness regardless of whether it seems deserved, as this, in his view, fulfills the deeper meaning of love.

What Sets Christian Love Apart

The Universal Call to Care for All

Christian love, as described by Kierkegaard, goes beyond the simple affection felt for those who are close or likable. It is a directive to extend kindness, compassion, and care to every individual, including those who might seem least deserving.

This approach asks people to look past irritation or dislike to recognize shared humanity in every person:

Care is not only for friends but also for strangers, enemies, and those deemed difficult.
The highest form of love includes loving those who persecute or oppose us.

A "ladder of love" illustrates this journey:

Step Description 1 Love for those who love us 2 Love for those who do not reciprocate 3 Love for those who treat us badly 4 Love freely given to all, regardless of merit

Christian love does not require admiration or agreement. It means making an effort to see the vulnerable side behind difficult behavior and to act with forgiveness rather than a strict sense of justice.

Comparing Selfless Love and Romantic Love

Kierkegaard draws a sharp distinction between selfless love, often called agape, and the more possessive or passionate form of love associated with romance. Agape is characterized by the following traits:

Unconditional: It is given without expectation or preference.
Inclusive: Everyone is worthy, not only those regarded as attractive or admirable.
Rooted in choice and will, rather than fleeting emotion.

On the other hand, romantic love:

Is selective and often based on specific qualities or traits.
Can lead to a "caste system," where only certain people are loved, admired, or deemed lovable.

Key difference table:

Feature Selfless Love (Agape) Romantic Love (Eros) Basis Shared humanity, obligation Preference, attraction Scope All people A chosen individual Requirement Compassion and forgiveness Admiration or desire Durability Meant to endure challenges Often fades with change

Kierkegaard emphasized that to imitate Christ means to practice this selfless love, especially towards those who seem hardest to love.

Grasping and Caring for Those Who Seem Unworthy

Empathy Toward Imperfect People

To genuinely care about others, one must look past mere external qualities such as beauty, success, or likability. Real concern requires focusing attention on people who might otherwise evoke annoyance, anger, or even contempt.

Instead of reinforcing narrow standards that limit care to the admired or attractive, it is important to show understanding to those who may be difficult, irritating, or flawed.
A genuine effort is needed to appreciate everyone's humanity, regardless of whether it is reciprocated or expected.

The tendency to dole out affection only when it feels deserved can create coldness and distance. Extending kindness to all, including those we might instinctively keep at arm's length, is the foundation of meaningful connection.

Recognizing Fragility Beneath Imperfections

Often, those who appear stubborn, misguided, or selfish are reacting from a place of pain, loss, or vulnerability. With a little imagination, it is possible to see the struggling person beneath the tough exterior.

Outward Behavior Possible Inner Experience Anger Unhealed hurt Arrogance Deep insecurity Laziness Hidden discouragement Hostility Previous betrayal

Careful attention can reveal the childlike need for reassurance that exists even within the most challenging individuals. Practicing this approach means moving beyond fairness and judgment, providing warmth and patience to those who need it most—even, and especially, if their actions seem to place them outside the circle of acceptance.

Compassion and Fairness: A Complex Relationship

Risks of Seeking Fairness Without Mercy

Focusing solely on strict fairness may seem reasonable, but it carries hidden dangers. If everyone received exactly what they “deserved,” society would rapidly become intolerant and harsh. Such an approach leads to rigid judgments and the temptation to inflict severe punishments on those seen as wrongdoers.

Approach Outcome Pure Fairness Social rigidity, lack of understanding Compassion Openness, potential for growth and healing

This mindset can also be damaging when applied to children—a purely merit-based approach would ignore their vulnerabilities and needs. The drive for unyielding fairness, even when begun with good intentions, risks creating a cold and unwelcoming world rather than one shaped by kindness.

Why Letting Go is Essential

Adopting forgiveness as a guiding principle requires looking past people’s flaws and wrongdoing. True love, as described here, means extending compassion to everyone, including those who may seem undeserving or “difficult” by instinct.

Forgiveness does not demand admiration but involves seeing the struggles beneath troublesome behavior.
Loving without condition becomes the highest achievement, offering acceptance even before improvement or change.

This perspective calls for practicing a kindness that goes beyond attraction or preference and applies to all, not just a select few. Embracing forgiveness over strict justice makes room for empathy and supports genuine human connection, even in the most challenging circumstances.

The Steps to Universal Love

Moving from Partiality to Inclusive Caring

Love often begins with those who resemble us or return our affections, but it is a mistake to think this is where it should end. True love requires moving beyond instinct and selective attachment. This shift means broadening one's circle of care, resisting the urge to only cherish those who reflect our own preferences or virtues.

A basic framework of this progression includes:

Stage Description Love for Friends Natural affection for those who treat us well Love for Strangers Compassion for those outside our circle Love for Opponents Kindness toward those we find difficult Love for Everyone A commitment to human solidarity

This path is demanding because it asks people to show kindness even to those they judge as irritating, misguided, or unworthy. Extending sympathy and imagination to everyone—as imperfect as they may be—is the true measure of inclusive caring.

Caring with No Boundaries

Loving without exception is not based on admiration or shared interests. It means refusing to exclude anyone—from the irritating colleague to the enemy—on the grounds that they do not "deserve" love.

Key contrasts between justice and love:

Justice seeks to give each what is deserved, but this often leads to resentment and exclusion.
Love, in this context, is unconditional acceptance, modeled on the idea that all people—including those who may have caused harm—are worthy of care.

Instead of focusing on personal attraction or perceived merit, inclusive love is rooted in the recognition of our shared humanity. This ideal invites people to suspend harsh judgments and extend understanding, even to those whose faults seem most glaring. In practice, caring without boundaries means looking past imperfections and weaknesses, making the effort to treat everyone with generosity and respect.

Reexamining Selective and Romantic Love

The Problem With Limited Affection

Contemporary ideas of love often focus on the intense bonds formed with particular individuals, placing strong emphasis on personal attraction, shared interests, or unique qualities. This approach fosters a narrow view that prioritizes admiration and exclusivity.

Such selective affection can be seen as a form of social snobbery, where worthiness of love is measured by surface standards. People may claim tolerance and open-mindedness, yet in matters of partnership, impose rigid preferences—much like perpetuating a quiet social hierarchy.

Preference Criteria Effect on Love Physical appearance Limits compassion Social status Encourages exclusivity Personal admiration Narrows empathy

Expanding Love Beyond Social Barriers

A broader interpretation of love challenges the idea that only certain people—those we find attractive, agreeable, or virtuous—are deserving of our affection. The concept here calls for the embrace of all individuals, regardless of perceived flaws, irritating behavior, or mistakes.

To extend compassion universally means recognizing the shared vulnerability and humanity in everyone, even those who seem undeserving. This approach is rooted in the belief that forgiving and caring for others—free from the desire for strict justice or reciprocity—creates a more humane and supportive society.

Love is not earned by merit or virtue.
Kindness should not depend on previous behavior.
Those who are difficult to love may need it most.

True love is demonstrated not by admiration for perfection but by acceptance of imperfection, and the willingness to treat every person, regardless of status or past, with understanding and generosity.

Reflecting Christ’s Love in Everyday Life

Embracing Others Without Conditions

True love is more than warm feelings toward someone admired or close. It means treating every person with care, even those viewed as difficult or unlikeable. Instead of limiting affection to those who return it, the practice of genuine care extends outward to individuals others might label unworthy or undeserving.

A key feature of this type of acceptance is letting go of requirements or judgments. People are to be valued not for their traits, achievements, or alignment with personal preferences, but because of their shared humanity. Unconditional goodwill replaces the need for admiration or reciprocation.

Aspect Conventional Approach Intentional Acceptance Basis for Love Attraction, Similarity Shared Humanity, Regardless of Shortcomings Expected Return Mutual Affection None Required Scope Chosen Few All, Including Opponents

The Lasting Impact of Compassion

Compassion has the power to make real changes in both perception and relationship. When someone chooses to respond to flaws and failures with empathy instead of anger, it can break the cycle of judgment and resentment. This imitation of Christ’s model means offering support and patience, especially to those who have fallen short or disappointed others.

This approach is not about ignoring problems or denying mistakes. Instead, it involves recognizing the struggles behind a person's actions and responding with understanding. By meeting hate or indifference with care, individuals create space for growth and healing—making it possible for even challenging relationships to improve.

Key practices for transformative compassion:

View others' difficulties as opportunities for empathy.
Avoid strict adherence to judgment or exact justice.
Remember that consistent kindness can help others become better.

To reflect this kind of love is not an act of admiration, but a deliberate choice to model forgiveness and patience—even when it is hard.

Modern Importance of Kierkegaard’s Perspective

Kierkegaard’s analysis of love challenges many ideas that remain common today. In a time when romantic love often holds the most value, he emphasizes the need to shift focus towards a demanding, universal form of care—one that goes beyond admiration, attraction, or reciprocation.

Kierkegaard draws a clear distinction:

Type of Love Description Erotic Love Based on attraction, desire, or personal preference. Christian Love Extends compassion to all, including those deemed unworthy.

This universal love involves consciously extending kindness to everyone, even individuals typically seen as undeserving or difficult. Instead of seeing love as selective or based on shared virtues, Kierkegaard advocates loving others regardless of their faults or status.

Key aspects of his approach:

Direct sympathy towards those who are easy to dismiss or judge.
Treat love as an act of will and understanding, rather than a feeling reserved for a select few.
Avoid replacing forgiveness with strict, impartial justice, because a world ruled solely by what people deserve could quickly become uninhabitable.

Kierkegaard’s message encourages viewing all people—regardless of their virtues, flaws, or relationship to us—as deserving of respect and support. This is a form of love focused not on ideal traits, but on the shared humanity that unites everyone. Such a perspective stands in stark contrast to both 19th century Europe and contemporary society, where love is frequently conditional or centered around finding the "right" person.

To apply Kierkegaard’s ideas today means embracing the difficult work of understanding and caring for not just those we naturally admire or are close to, but everyone we encounter.

Kierkegaard's Philosophy of Love: Divine Compassion vs. Preferential Loves